Mental illness is a phantom.

A phantom conjured by ceding your power, and living out of integrity with your body and soul.

And, I remember how those words would have landed when I was kneeling in the abyss with the taste of iron in my mouth.

My younger self never expected – nor wanted – to live past thirty.

It looks like I did, and not for lack of trying.

From the ages of 13 to 28 I killed myself every day with my thoughts and addictions… with knives wielded in the spirit of hatred upon my flesh.

Eventually, I was no longer satisfied by the petty, and I carved myself with finality.

I survived.

In the shame-filled twilight that followed I made a decision.

I’m not living like this anymore.

I don’t.

And no one needs to.

Mental Illness is a Spiritual Problem

You’re no stranger to the truth.

You would feel better if you ate healthier and moved your body more.

And yet, you’re depressed, and the sleepy-eyed doctor who is halfheartedly grilling you about what you did and didn’t do this week looks like the only thing he curls are Big Macs.

Or maybe she looks chiseled from marble, and her peppy attitude grinds on your nerves. Her vitality serves only to reflect what you feel you lack.

Here is another truth no one has ever appreciated hearing.

You could always just be happy.

To be fair that is just about the most useless piece of well-meaning advice any of us are likely to receive, and yet when I found myself alive on the heavenly side of no-man’s land I realized that choosing to be happy was exactly what I did.

Chemical Imbalance or ‘Personal’ Problem?

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II as a child and that ‘initiated’ a decade-plus-long death spiral.

Along the way, professionals gifted me with more Krazy Kid Kards. Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Suicidal Ideation with Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies.

The all-powerful medicines they funneled down my throat were not enough to insulate me from the howling of the demon winds. So I retreated further within, shuttering myself behind addiction.

Video games took me out of my tormented body and numbed my broken heart. They allowed me to hide from my barbed thoughts… for a time.

Though I was not present enough at the time to notice, these games left me tense and my body on edge. Further, being a super-stimulant designed to exploit our brain’s pleasure centers, video games compounded whatever ‘chemical imbalance’ I had ‘started’ with, at least in the dosage.

What goes up, must come down, as they say.

Pornography created more sexual trauma even as it triggered unnatural mental highs. These highs were invariably followed by the most wanton lows. Pornography alone holds the power to destroy anyone’s brain and vitality.

My dietary attractions would have killed me within a week in the jungle, but the poisons in urban life are more subtle, though they come in packages that are just as brightly colored.

With all the sugary and processed foods my gut was a walking bio-hazard. Our mood is intimately linked to our gut, as is just about every other indicator of health. I learned this intimately when antibiotics shifted me backward in time. One moment I was happy, the next I was craving the familiar taste of iron like it was 2021.

… of course, I was largely sedentary, ‘content’ to live vicariously through digital fugues.

The body is meant to move, and not merely in the ways that science quantifies. Mental health walks are valid but miss the point. Just as the mind sickens from lack of adequate stimulus so does the body, and a healthy mind requires a healthy body.

And all of that – even with the pile of anti-psychotics I choked down every day – was not enough to numb the pain.

So I attacked the devil in my mind through my body with anything that would hold an edge up until my late twenties. In the moment carving my flesh provided mental relief, but it wrecked my nervous system, reinforcing lessons learned in childhood.

We are not safe.

We are to be loathed.

And the body doesn’t forget.

Just Be Happy

It can be hard to see the forest for the trees of our own stories, and I do have my stories. Before the doctors and their labels were the events whose echoes had lain in more than my self-hatred.

That aside, the truth is that there is no world in which I could live as I was living and not be mentally (and physically) ill.

And putting down the knife-play, how I lived was not all that exceptional.

When I was a certified mental case I used to tell others that I thought everyone was depressed, and I was only special because I had a doctor’s note.

People don’t doom-scroll and seek validation on social media – or in person – because they feel loved and are happy. Nor do they hyper-fixate on political and other negativity that is largely beyond their control.

The American diet, socialization, and lifestyle almost preclude wellness. And we are so lost and confused that even those few of us who manage to escape it often fail to ascend beyond blindly offending the sensibilities of sheep.

The root of our experience lies in the mind, and the mind is where we as a species too often cede our authority.

We didn’t ask to have people and institutions pour their hate, dogma, and insecurities into us from childhood, poisoning our brains and weaponizing our thoughts against us.

But we do choose some of our thoughts.

And we can steer and redirect our attention and focus.

There lies ultimate power.

How I Cured My Depression

I’m attached to my story.

Most of my life was spent in impenetrable darkness.

And then a beam of light kissed my cheek. Bliss was mine for but a moment and that was all I needed to conjure the courage to gaze, unflinching, into the inferno within.

I paired the dogged pursuit of self-knowledge with consistent action, becoming a different kind of monster than the petty fiend I had been most of my life.

My labors bore fruit when one day I arose and realized a stream of months had passed unbroken within the gates of paradise.

And that story is even true, to an extent. I did many of the things you would think I should do – and many of the things you wouldn’t – and before I knew it I was better.

However, submerged beneath the surface of outward action were two pivotal ingredients that had remained invisible to me until recently.

The first was that surviving suicide had unconsciously changed my identity.

Whomever I was before – namely someone who deserved the unchecked misery he would forever endure – I was now someone who would do whatever it took to live.

Curing my depression was a forgone conclusion at that point.

The second was that I felt my pain.

And I can guess what you might be thinking.

There is very little I have to say that may rub off as insulting to the majority of those who live at the mercy of the devil. It’s as I said in the beginning – you’re no stranger to the truth.

And we live in a material world.

The gym is full of people with top tier physiques who look in the mirror and see only ugliness.

As Lao Tsu said:

Words have ancestors,
Deeds have masters.

Taming the Monkey Mind

Our thoughts and what we focus on shape our reality.

The difference between those who are happy and those who are not is not actually the ‘facts.’

One could live in the womb of luxury and be perpetually miserable, and another could survive a series of horrendous abuses extending back to early childhood and be a beacon throughout her life.

Thoughts are like small stones being cast through our mind’s eye, before piling out of sight.

If you unduly entertain the negatives, before you know it there will be a mountain behind you casting a shadow on all that’s before you.

Of course, much of what we think is unconscious – you can’t choose your first thought, as they say. And you can choose the second. (Which over time, influences those first thoughts.)

When I set to turn my bathtub into a portal to the afterlife I had lived the previous decades focusing on the bad. My internal dialogue was various flavors of unchallenged self-hatred.

I am depressed.

I am loathsome.

I am this.

I am that.

This is never going to get better.

… I don’t want to be here.

I don’t know what most people think of their thoughts. And I know whatever childhood traumas that formed the impetus for my adult dysfunction were just stories from the past.

With such friends for thoughts, my perception, choices, behavior, and thus reality all got in line. Of course I couldn’t shake free!

Even if I might brace against the tide for a time, (‘doing the things’) I was still mired in negativity. The moment something went awry I was all too eager to let everything fall apart.

Get your mind in order and everything else will fall into place.

Practical Mental Practices

I’m sure there are as many ways to tame the mind as there are to hide from it. For me, some of the following techniques are what bore fruit.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) first introduced me to the idea of taking ownership of my thoughts and beliefs, though that isn’t exactly the expressed intent of the modality.

In practice, CBT involves examining your thoughts and beliefs and challenging them. However, I was struggling to come up with a personal anecdote that didn’t sound completely absurd. (I’m an absurd person.) The perfect one arose within this very moment.

I’ve spent two and a half hours writing today with nothing – it seemed – to show for it. Everything I’ve written has lacked that spark, and will thus be discarded.

I can’t do this, I thought. Another day wasted.

And, just like with breathwork, sometimes the shit has to come to the surface first to make room for the divine to rise. If nothing else, I’ve worked my writing muscles, and that is not a waste.

Voila, restructured thought. Hell, a whole different reality!

Do this with everything.

This may seem hopeless, but you – and your thoughts – didn’t get this way overnight. And-

Reality bows before consistency. It is how something as soft and yielding as water, shapes the world according to its own design.

Meditation is a force multiplier in this context – and for life generally with – consistency.

For the uninitiated, meditation is a method for distancing yourself from yourself (allowing you to be alone with yourself) and a portal to other realms of consciousness.

In practice, this takes many forms. The most common is focusing on your breath and allowing your thoughts to fade away without attaching judgment to them.

This can be easier said than done.

The last thing many of us want to do is be forced to reckon with our thoughts. Most of us are used to latching onto our thoughts and even derive our identity from them!

Others think meditation is not for them because they can’t focus on anything. What they don’t realize is that coming back from the distraction means you’ve succeeded.

Everything we consume, voluntarily or otherwise, impacts our thoughts and emotions.

I have found dark fiction to be extremely cathartic to me in the past. As I have healed it has served me less to dive too deeply into such waters.

My intent here isn’t to preach about what you should or shouldn’t consume, but to encourage a level of consciousness in what you consume.

Ever notice that engaging with the news often makes you depressed?

Does it really serve for you to know everything that is going on in the world?

I found in myself that when things were starting to get too sunny for comfort I would inevitably find myself seeking out news that pulled me back into the abyss. Depression is more comfortable than more positive states for those who are used to it.

On the flip of that, you can deliberately consume things that lift you up or are cathartic for you at your current level of consciousness.

I often use music and singing as medicine in both regards.

Singing in hell was a great way to keep the mind quiet, and to let out the negativity through dark, cathartic songs, or bring in positivity with uplifting lyrics. I would create playlists that would bring me low and high and low again, allowing me to release emotions.

Someone once told me that just because something serves you in one moment of life, does not mean it serves you forever. As you become a new person who is not defined by their suffering, there are parts of you that you must let go of… and that includes things that you consume.

Seasons of life, and all that.

Self-Knowledge Reveals Everything

In the silence of a heeled mind, self-knowledge begins to grow.

Those who are in thrall to their monkey minds – or the modern distractions that allow them to hide from the cacophony – may not realize it but the Wisdom really is within.

In time, you will see the roots of your negative thoughts and experiences as though they walked through your mind without masks.

More immediately, you will be more present in your state of awareness – especially if you aren’t spending too much time distracted by the gadgets and gizmos of modern life.

Everything you do impacts the balance of your ‘brain chemistry.’

And you don’t need a scientist to tell you how, you just need to be grounded enough in your own experience to hear the signals your constituent parts are constantly sending.

There is a difference between knowing that movement and positive mental health are correlated thanks to the vagueries of popular science and knowing it because you can feel your body’s demands.

And there is even a difference between that, and recognizing that your entire relationship with physical activity was painted by forces outside of yourself, and at any time you can redraw the picture.

The beauty here is that the medicine is particular because while we are not that special, we are.

Very few people will find that for them a healthy diet is pizza rolls and Mountain Dew.

But what a healthy diet looks like for you, is not the same as what a healthy diet looks like for me. It will even change from you to you and season to season.

And when approached from a place of listening to the self without judgment, these changes are less about conforming to some external Spartan ideal, and more about bringing your choices and how you live back into alignment with the parts of yourself that you may have never known.

It’s like coming home.

Some of the Rest (For Me)

I would like to emphasize that you’re your own unique constellation that is best served by a way of being only you can discover.

And, we are none of us that special.

Here are some changes I made in behavior that I know contributed to my healing.

Diet is a big one, and a hard one.

When we are depressed it is easier to reach for what feels good in the moment if only to attain some small measure of peace.

Sit with the urge.

While there is room for eating for comfort it is good to shift to a ‘food is fuel’ mindset.

In time fuel will become comfort, as your body detoxes from the chemicals and hormones of the modern diet your tastes will change and you may even find that you’re unable to eat poorly without also feeling poorly.

The last time I had Taco Bell I felt a deep sense of betrayal in my body. It was as though my cells were screaming, “Why would you put this in us?”

Food is a delicate mental/emotional issue for many, and it is important to not beat yourself up over your inability to just change grooves that have been worn for the lion’s share of your life.

Physicality is another big one, and it can be just as sticky for many as food.

There is no way this needs to look.

Earlier I dismissed mental health walks, and that’s unfair.

If that gets you moving it gets you moving.

I did halfhearted Calisthenics and nature hikes, and that was enough not only to shift my mood beneficially but to illustrate the importance of exercise for general health. As a result, I pursued physical outdoor jobs for a few years as a way to ‘get my steps in.’

Movement has since become a much larger part of my life and I devote a lot of physical and mental focus to conditioning my body so that it can move the way my soul desires.

And that’s another story entirely.

Hiking unlocked a whole new jungle for me.

I’ve spent most of my adulthood surrounded by concrete despite the adventurous penchant little laddie JoJo had for stick and horse-play.

Fluorescence and flat surfaces are not our natural habitat, and just as Willie wasted away in the zoo, so are you. Before long, I was greeting the dawn and the dusk with excursions into the local wilds (-ish) to meditate.

And I’ve since reoriented my whole life so that I could live in nature.

Not every change I made was so inoffensive.

I’ve largely quit digital hobbies. There was a time when I would watch TV (or Netflix / YouTube) while playing video games for 6-10 hours a day. Now such things are mostly absent.

The intent was never to ‘quit’ them so permanently, I just wanted to free up space and energy to be creative and work on the trauma that lay buried within the calcified curvature of my spine.

And, on the other side not only are they less entertaining generally, I find that it doesn’t feel good to spend too much time in the digital void.

Screens are not rest, they dull the mind, steal your focus, and siphon vitality.

They can even worsen mental and physical health in the flavor or dosage.

For myself, it really doesn’t take a lot for a screen to become poisonous. And while sure, I enjoy re-watching classics from time to time and enjoy video games less as a hobby and more as an occasional novelty, the opportunity cost is otherwise way too high.

Your mileage may vary.

Pornography.

I gave that up too, and practice semen retention. (Generally forgoing ejaculation.)

My journey, and view, are nuanced. And to do something as important to me – to all of us – as sexuality justice, requires more space than I am willing to devote here.

And despite what you might think, I would describe myself as a more sexual person than average despite my relative abstinence, including from masturbation. I have better sex, orgasms, and feel a much wider range of sexual pleasure than most.

I say this without nuance – pornography destroys all it touches. Your mind, your body, your heart… and that isn’t even mentioning those being exploited in front of the camera, or those who make other kinds of pornographic art.

I say this with nuance – the male ejaculation is more than just pleasure. (And sexual pleasure encompasses a much larger world than pornography, fantasy, and unconscious ejaculation allow.)

My advice for the former is to really be present with your porn use – I am not judging you.

My advice for the latter is to abstain from ejaculation (note, I encourage sex to be kept on the table) for two weeks and then release. If you are releasing via masturbation, it might be interesting to breathe deeply and keep it in the body and heart. (No mental fantasy or pornography.)

Do with what you find out what you will.

Your sexuality is yours.

Don’t waste it.

Doing ‘the Things’

Earlier I said that mental illness is a phantom conjured by ceding our power and living out of integrity with our bodies and souls.

Our thoughts – and even emotions – are the first half of that equation.

What can be oversimplified as ‘the things’ or healthier habits and behaviors are another part.

‘The things’ are not just a series of 1’s and 0’s, an algorithm optimized for human health as dictated by some external human authority… or as a strategy to min-max a build in a video game.

If you chained a horse to a desk that smelled of bleach and florescence no one would be surprised if its spirit wasted away and the flesh soon followed.

Yet we do the same to ourselves though we’re not that far removed from horses.

And, it’s not so simple.

If the horse was born in chains and had had any inclination to move freely beaten out of her by her manacled fellows it would take more than setting her loose upon the verdant green to birth the unicorn within.

Action in the world is only as effective as the actions you take within.

Bondage is a matter of identity.

Liberation lies beyond it.

I repeat myself because I know that I spent years struggling and nothing ever changed. I watch people I care about live in misery and when I tell them there’s hope it’s, “Cool story bro.”

What they don’t say is that there is no hope for them. They’re too old, too fat, too ugly. Unlovable, broken, loathsome, time-poor, money-poor, addicted, an asshole, or born some kind of way. They’ve ‘tried’ standing up and all they got for their trouble was an elbow to the face.

You’ve had experiences, you’ve made choices, and have unique circumstances. You’ve internalized – often externally sourced – beliefs about yourself, others, and the world that put your experiences – and potential – in a box.

The truth is there is no spoon-

… except for that which you believe in.

From Awareness to Action

You will never know what is possible if you don’t cross the threshold of familiar patterns.

For most of my life, positive emotion was a theory, and for much of the last few years, I’ve felt a bliss no drug can induce.

And I know it is easier said than done.

Winter is unavoidable, and a necessary part of life.

I’ve lived the story of Job over these last four months. (Sans literal death.)

Amid the ruined palisades of a broken relationship depression, anxiety, and many other demons new and familiar have seized me by the throat took their turns holding me over the edge of broken.

I have had to re-reckon with suffering that seems unending and ever-expanding.

And this shit works – I’ve been happy though the unique circumstances at play (among other things, I still live with her) have made me feel like an inflatable Bozo.

My fried nervous system, frequent illness, and unearthed insecurities have all been opportunities to be more than I was, and though I am struggling I feel that I am.

I’ve taken ownership of my situation.

Someone told me recently that we don’t all have the time and space to go find ourselves.

And it’s true that I’ve spent the last few years traveling between the islands of misfit toys and lost boys. Before that, I wasn’t much more grounded. I’ve been bailed out more times than I can count and what unites every version of me across the multiverse of my life is delusion.

Whatever virtue or wisdom I possess are from those moments when I’ve surrendered… whether it was when I was living in the 9-5 world, or with the layabouts and fools.

This is the base that comes before all else. It is the difference between running off to find yourself and merely running away.

Surrender to this moment. Whatever it is, wherever you’re at.

Surrender to your pain, hell, surrender to your lust! I don’t know what your fucking deal is.

Surrender.

Pass through it.

Build something new.