Dedicated to a man who lives in a tree.
The echos of my self-hatred lie etched in the faded scars that adorn my body like scrimshaw. We all have our stories and mine – while not fun to experience – was never special. And some need to see themselves in me, to listen.
I’ve been hearing the praises of self-love my entire life.
In my suffering, I couldn’t help but notice that its greatest missionaries in my life had it the least. In them, self-love often looked like narcissism and self-indulgence. No amount of fake smiles or filters could hide the hunger for external validation. Many were just as self-destructive as I was.
I remember telling a therapist, “I can’t love myself, I’ll turn out like them!”
We see ourselves reflected in others.
I wonder what I would see if I could go back in time?
Now in such people, I often see humans doing the best they can. Many are cities on a hill.
Loving yourself is hard.
The world hurts us and uses the wounds to prove we are not good enough.
Even those who ‘love’ us teach that love is conditional.
Even a parent’s love is biological, which isn’t the only condition of parental affection. Everyone from your teachers to your peers required you to be in a box.
Even our loving Gods demand something of us or it’s off to Hell!
None of this is novel, and I only mention it so that we may move past it.
The glass ceiling of your reality is determined by how highly you think of yourself.
It’s time to unlearn what you have learned about what makes you worthy of love so that you may love yourself.
What is (Self) Love?
Until recently, I cannot recall a time when I loved myself.
But what does that even mean?
Self-love is when you know your worth – and knowing your worth cannot be stripped from you, or determined by another’s gaze.
It looks like self-compassion; extending to yourself the same empathy you extend to those you care most for and the same service.
In practice it means boundaries. Your needs and wants are valid without apology.
You matter just as much as those whose weight you carry, we are all co-creators.
I used to think I was living like Jesus – or at least, in penitence – by saying yes to every act of service. I thought such sacrifice made me worthy. In the end, I was left depleted, with no one to refill my cup.
The line between virtue and self-loathing is thinner than we think:
“Words of ancestors.
Deeds have masters.” ~ Lao Tzu
Whom do your actions serve?
For me, self-love means loving myself too much to settle for less than I deserve, and recognizing that I deserve – quite literally – whatever I claim.
I’ve spent most of my life believing that nobody deserves anything. In theory, this was a righteous reaction against a broader culture of entitlement. In reality, it was a mask for my own lack of self-worth.
There is still some fuzziness around ‘deserving’ for me.
Does everyone who dreams of idle celebrity deserve it? Does anyone?
We deserve what we settle for.
And I know what I am not willing to settle for anymore.
Self-love is not doom-scrolling on social media or filling your body with junk. It’s taking care of yourself because you matter – not for appearances, not for validation, but because you say so.
And what of narcissism?
Vanity?
Delusions of grandeur?
For the longest time I was terrified I would turn out like my mother, may her next life be kinder than this one was. Some might call her her own biggest fan, among other things.
It was a hollow mask.
Self-love is born from self-knowledge. Only by knowing yourself can you know that you have intrinsic value and are the source of all that is good in life. And bad.
If I truly love myself what need is there for me to be the center of attention? What value has validation?
What need is there to dominate my relationships?
Why should I fear the mirror?
I know what evil I’ve sourced.
“To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light.” ~ C.G. Jung
Maybe, some people whom we might initially judge as a little too full of themselves are actually just being themselves.
I hope you take up space in your own fucking life.
Why You Should Love Yourself
“Love is the light that leads the soul into the heights of the kingdom” ~ Pistis Sophia
Like all Godless heathens who commune with demons and practice magic, I am and have been a follower of Jesus the Christ. (Don’t worry atheists, I’m joining you in hell.)
When I was 12 I remember giving a Bible to a kid that was bullying me. As a rule, I was not bullied as a kid. I did not play my role correctly. They would either become friendly or move on.
God knows what I thought of the verse, “Love your neighbor as yourself” then. I know what I thought of it in adulthood, which is to say I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t want me carving my neighbors up with a knife and telling them what god-awful pieces of shit they were all the time.
And I did take loving others seriously. I took nothing more seriously than romantic love.
There is a verse that I distinctly remember impacting me, that I cannot find. Perhaps it was in the Apocrypha, “Love them for my sake, for you could not do it for theirs.”
The purpose of sacred relationships is to practice love.
And your first sacred relationship is with yourself.
We all want to love and be loved. I thought that you could have the one without the other, that I could love others without loving myself.
You can, for a time. Or rather, perhaps you can fool yourself for a time. Few have loved as purely and unconditionally as I have.
I will love you no matter what you do, no matter how little you give.
That is noble. I felt Godly. And though I was not aware of it, my love was coming from a place of need.
The need to know that I was worthy of love. And maybe if I have no boundaries, act constantly in service (penitence) to strangers, and sacrifice all for my lovers the same grace will be shown to me.
It has been said that people are just mirrors that reflect our own views back to us.
Love that is not rooted in the self inevitably collapses. The mirror cracks. And time and again I was left with nothing but myself.
“You came empty-handed, and you will leave empty-handed. He who has realized the self is the true source of all wealth.” ~ Baghavad Gita
Can you really blame others for not filling your void?
Is it fair to expect one person to be your Jesus, the source of your love? Even he told you to carry your own cross.
“Jesus said, Whoever drinks from my mouth will become as I am, and I myself will become that person, and what is hidden will be revealed to them.” ~ Gospel of Thomas
I can hear the incredulity in the voices of my past selves as they repeat my question back to me. Why should I love myself?
What good has self-loathing ever brought me?
What good has hating yourself ever done?
But the real question is why don’t you love yourself?
Who – or what – told you you were unlovable?
And when the fuck did you start caring what they had to say?
How to Love Yourself
I don’t know you.
You could be an asshole.
But self-love is not about deserving. Whatever you’ve done or failed to do is in the past. Moving forward, your life—and the world—will be better if you truly love yourself.
What did you do that was unforgivable?
You don’t have to be that person anymore. Despite what the broader culture might tell you, your identity is not carved in stone. This doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility – far from it. Take ownership. Erasure and self-love are incompatible because love is unconditional.
What do you believe you need to do to be worthy of love?
Do you hold the people you treasure most to such impossible standards?
There may be things you could do that are good and just. Do them. But know that no action precludes love. It is for love that anything worth doing is done.
What stories do you tell yourself about your life?
If you were someone else, could you find empathy for the version of you that feels broken and undeserving? I don’t know you, but I would bet that if I said, “You were a child, it wasn’t your fault,” it would apply to most people’s self-hatred.
Can you reframe your story?
Is there truly no one in this world who has loved you? No friend, no family, not even a dog? A smile from a stranger?
Perhaps you’ve burned every bridge.
Perhaps the Sun withholds its gaze from you and only you.
All the more reason to build a foundation within yourself from which new bridges can be constructed.
Rewrite the stories you tell yourself.
Tell yourself you love yourself and act as if it’s true. Embodying your desire is necessary to mold it into reality.
Self-love is a state of Being. No one can fix you.
At some point, you must choose and do the work.
For some, enlightenment is instantaneous and eternal. For most, it is a steady climb with its share of pitfalls and setbacks.
Start climbing.
Parting Thoughts
Whatever world you envision – no matter how vast or intimate – begins with embodying it. I say this, not as a guru on top of the mountain, but as a mountain of scars.
Everything in my life began and ended with me.
Self-love is not some vacuous conceit of broken social media addicts. In fact, it is the opposite, because it does not demand attention, control, or validation from others. It does not shrink in insecurity or swell in arrogance. It simply is.
You know you are enough.
And if the world is a mirror – and it is – then how you love yourself determines how you love others – and how they love you in return. No one can withstand the pressure of giving you what you will not give yourself.
It is not easy.
You have to unlearn a lifetime of programming.
A trickle becomes a stream. A stream becomes a river.
A friend recently told me that not everyone has the freedom to go find themselves.
It is precisely because we are drowning that some things must simply be taken on faith.
Waymond in “Everything Everywhere All At Once” said it best, “The only thing I do know is that we have to be kind. Please. Be kind. Especially when we don’t know what’s going on.”
Especially… to yourself.
‘Cause you don’t know what’s going on.
And if you did, you would claim so much more for yourself.
… because its a banger …